


Metamorphosis

by lilyxgarden



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:00:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 8,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28830813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilyxgarden/pseuds/lilyxgarden
Summary: I don't want to fetishize or prejudice suicide / depression in any way, I don't intend to hurt anyone.And now I notice that I have no experience in psychiatric hospitals, so this is not an accurate or realistic work.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't want to fetishize or prejudice suicide / depression in any way, I don't intend to hurt anyone.And now I notice that I have no experience in psychiatric hospitals, so this is not an accurate or realistic work.

I don't wanna be here.

— Mr. Kozume...

Why am I even here? I'm not sick. My throat doesn't hurt, my bones are all good, I don't feel pain.  
staring at that bright white ceiling it's making my eyes hurt. it seems like this light just enters in my head and i can't see anything but white. I hate this.

— Mr. Kozume, are you listening to me?  
— What?

I'm so tired of all this voices. I can hear someone screaming somewhere in the building.

— I'm your psychiatrist.  
— What...?

I can't think, this damn light is bothering me so much, those bandages on my wrists are so tight, please, let me alone, let me go home. I don't wanna be here.

— Well, I assume that you know why I'm here.  
— Actually, I don't.  
— Mr. Kozume... You tried to kill yourself two days ago. 

A wrinkle marked the forehead of that gray-haired man. "You tried to kill yourself", why don't you say suicide already, it's not like someting bad was gonna happen to you, or is it?

— And?  
— I'm here to help you.  
— Yeah, sure. Everybody's always trying to help. But, somehow, I always end up tied to an hospital bed, like some crazy guy. 

He made a weird sound, like a cow trying to spit the lungs out or something, and stared at me for a long time.

— I just wanna know why.  
— This light is bothering me.  
— Mr. Kozume, you have to answer my questions, or else we'll be here forever.  
— It's okay, as long as you turn this light off.  
— Mr. Kozume... I see that today we're not going to find a point, so, have a good night of sleep, dinner will be delivered in 15 minutes. See you tomorrow.

I hate him. I hate this place. Where am I? The man turned of the light off the ceiling when he was leaving, and I unconsciously looked at the window next to the bed. My eyes filled with tears looking at the sky in shades of orange, pink, lilac, blue... Why am I still here? I'm alone again. What is the use of being in this world if I have nobody to be with me? Every day is the same monotony, waking up, getting dressed, working and going home tired, to the point that I can only throw myself to bed and fall asleep instantly. What is the purpose of such a life? It was better not to have been born. I am just correcting that error. If I disappear, I won't be missed by anyone, I won't have anyone crying because I left, I won't abandon anyone, because I don't have anyone either. Oh, what a beautiful sky. At least if everything were like this sky, it would be worth living in this world. But it isn't.

_People have ruined this world._

I hear the door open and run my hands over my eyes. For what? It's not like crying was a crime, whoever was coming in would already know what I did, so why pretend I wasn't crying? A boy comes in, he shouldn't be much older than me. He was carrying a tray of food and wearing a nurse's uniform. 

— Hospital food. Disgusting.  
— It's not that bad, and you can't say that whitout even try.  
— Are you allowed to talk to the crazy people in the hospital?  
— You're not crazy.  
— No shit, Sherlock!  
— Oh, we have a curser here...  
— Leave me alone.  
— You shouldn't talk to nurses like that, Mr. Kozume.  
— Don't call me that. I'm Kenma.  
— I'm Dr. Tetsurou.  
— I though you were just a nurse.  
— Well, a boy can have dreams.  
— Sure. — I started eating, tasteless, the expected. — It's kinda sad that your dream is to take care of crazy people.  
— They're not crazy people, they're people that need help. Like you.  
— I don't need help.  
— What's your dream, Kenma?  
— To be happy.  
— Then why did you tried suicide?  
I smirked, that guy was hella naive.  
— There is no way to be happy in this world.

I looked at the sky, avoiding his eyes.

— It's beautiful. — The black haired guy said.  
I agreed, silently.  
— It's a reason to live. — he continued.

Then he left. He left, letting me alone. Whitout an advise, my eyes started tearing, while seeing the sun disappearing, and the moon rising. 

The building was in silence, apart from a dripping tap and occasional cars passing by. I could hear the beat of my heart. I wish I couldn't. I fell asleep with a headache that made me want to cut off my head and with dry eyes, without being able to cry anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up suddenly, with all my senses on alert. I could hear a continuous scream, a few floors down, the footsteps in the hall echoed in my ears, as if hammering my mind.  
What is happening? 

Those steps made so much noise, I heard the patients in the rooms next door moving, that scream, that eternal scream entered my head, I couldn't hear my own thoughts.. Please. Please, someone stop this. This noise, this noise. Someone, please!  
I pressed a button on the wall to call a doctor, I started to panic, those sounds all over one another, like a machine gun. Someone stop this!

__

__

Why isn't anyone coming? I pressed the button! Someone was supposed to come! Covering my ears with my hands, I felt that noise all echo inside me, unable to control my breathing, I let myself be carried away by that psychedelic trance, the noise didn't stop, that scream turned my insides. Crying, abandoned and trapped within my own nightmares, my own traumas, I hyperventilated, murmuring for help, a help that never seemed to come.

At some point, I hearded the door of the room opening, and "Dr." Tetsurou came in, holding a syringe, probably some drug to calm crazy people. Somehow, I managed to drag myself to the corner of the bed.

— NO!  
— Mr. Kozume, you need to calm down, this is gonna help you.  
— No, no, no, no! Put that thing away from me! 

A flashback came to my mind, I was about 7 years old, a syringe was entering my arm, letting me without guard, making me an easy target of abuse for my alcoholic father.

Tears streamed down my face copiously, I couldn't let my senses go away, or who knows what might happen to me. I grabbed the plastic bag with the syringe and trew it to the other corner of the room. I stood up, grabbing the black-haired boy's arms, preventing him from getting there. It was the first time that I was standing since I getted that hospital and I lost my balance a little. He was incredibly taller than me, and probably much stronger, I couldn't take it. I ran over to the plastic bag and sat, leaning against the wall, grabbing the syringe with both hands. 

Tetsurou crouched down in front of me, casting a shadow over me. With a light smile, he streched his hand to me, I hold up the bag harder, feeling the syringe pressed against my chest. I closed up my eyes, ready to the worst.

I felt my hands being opened and the bag taked away from me. A sob passed through my throat and I heard the sound of the bag being landed somewhere. Unexpectedly, I felt soft hands running over my face and wiping away some of my tears.

— Mr. Kozume... Kenma... 

Softly, his voice entered my ears, somehow calming me. Did the nurses in psychiatric hospitals have training to have a calming voice or something? Sniffling, I looked up at him.

— Are you ok?  
— I... I don't know.  
— Is this the first time you've had these attacks?  
— No... It's kinda usual.

At that moment I understood that there was total silence again. As quickly as the whirlwind had started, it was gone. I let out a small groan, resting my head on my knees. 

— It's gonna be like this all the nights?  
— No... Sometimes it happens. You just got unlucky by having it in your first day...  
— Oh! What a lovely place.

He sitted against the wall next to me. He sighted while closing his eyes.

— I'm so tired.  
— What?  
— I'm on a 24-hour shift all the time. I just go home in the weekends and I barely sleep. Some patients get off here "healed", but some weeks later, they come back because they hurted themselves. We lost some, too. It's not really smart having suiciders in the 4th floor, but who am I to decide that?  
— Then why try to cure them?  
—There are some rare cases when we really help some people. And it feels great.  
— Rare?  
— Yeah...  
— I hate it here.  
— You need some sleep. And so do I. — he got up and extended his hand to help me getting up. — Good night.  
— Let's see.

He stared at me from the door, I almost swear that I saw a smile on his lips. I layed down and covered myself with the fine sheets, falling asleep almost instantly, extraordinarily tired.


	3. Chapter 3

It was my first time leaving the hospital building, properly speaking. A breeze blew calmly, lifting my hair and making the flowers of the cherry trees fall in the garden of the hospital.

As I spent more time there, the more I felt that this was not a place for me. I needed calm, and calm was the least of that psychiatric hospital. The nights were almost always busy and from time to time a person passed by on stretchers or wheelchairs with epileptic attacks, severe panic attacks and schizophrenia. It was difficult to watch these cases, knowing that I could do nothing when they were injected with medication, as if it would solve the problem, instead of trying to figure out what caused these attacks.

My psychiatrist, as he likes to call himself, kept trying to get answers from me that I couldn't answer. I can't stand him. When I am ready to talk about my past, my present, my motivations and thoughts, I will do it. Don't expect it to be an old man who says he has a diploma to take that from me.

I walked calmly through the garden, looking at the slippers they had given me, along with a kind of pajamas that they called clothes, in light colors, that make me wear (I don’t understand why they don’t let us wear our own clothes). I could hear two ladies whispering among them casting furtive looks at me. It was in these rare moments of sharing space with others that I realized that I was one of the youngest there. That hospital was full of demented, decrepit old people. 

Sometimes the wind turned and words and phrases from the ladies' conversation reached my ears. "so young... hair... bandages... tried to commit suicide... wrists..." Another negative point of this place: the comments. It seems like everyone has to give their opinion on everything, it's so annoying. Seriously, can't you control and keep your thoughts to yourself?

I quickly got bored in that garden, as had the library, the gym and most of the rooms there, including the canteen. Tetsurou continued to take me to food, which was still tasteless. I entered the building, passing all those corridors again, hoping to find something different there that I had never noticed before. Surprisingly, I found myself in a corridor I had never passed before, strangely silent. The walls were decorated with colorful cardboard birds, I ended up concluding that it was a pediatric ward. 

It was something I was definitely not expecting to find there, in a place so full of old people. I passed a room that caught my attention especially: it had a large television and several models of PlayStations, as well as Wii's, PSP's and Nintendos. I take one of the PlayStation 4 controls, the latest model there and turn on the television, connecting the devices. I chose a skateboard game, it was very simple and random, and also the first in the stack of boxes.

I started playing, I tried several games, experiencing a joy I hadn't experienced in a while. Time... I didn't have time for these things, so simple, within my complicated life, summed up in work, making the salary stretch, nights slept on the hard mattress of a rented studio. Without knowing how, this time, oh this eternal time, passed and, when I looked at the window, I realized that the sun was setting.

I once again experienced that tingling in my fingers, that burning in the heart when I see the sunset. Another day passed. Another day lived. And another day wasted in that place. I heard knocking on the door, turning my gaze, I see Tetsurou standing at the door, looking at me with a tray of food perched on his arms.

— I see you found our pediatric ward...  
— It's empty.  
— Yeah... There aren't exactly many parents willing to leave their children in psychiatric hospitals, even if they suffer from schizophrenia, concentration problems, and so many others that could be resolved here...  
— I kinda see why.

My gaze follows his route to a chair next to mine. He sits down. I could hear his breathing, it pressed me so hard to be someone "normal". I felt a sob stuck in my throat and that urge to throw up so characteristic. I quickly sat down on the chair next to mine, thus leaving space between the two. 

— Too close.  
— Oh... Sorry. — He looked at me with a slightly hurt look, setting the board down on the chair between us.  
— Saltless?  
— Probably.  
— Yay...

I started eating the soup, looking discreetly from time to time. He was sitting rigidly, looking at the screen with a game on pause. 

— Why do you feel the need to stay with me while I eat?  
— Knives.  
— Oh please! — I rolled my eyes — If I had motivations to commit suicide, I would have jumped out of the bedroom window.

He smiled. In fact, it wasn't quite a smile, he just lifted his lip slightly, it could even be scorn, or a sarcastic response ready to come out. Nurses should not be allowed to be sarcastic towards clients. Or to smile.


	4. Chapter 4

I turned on the radio. When I returned to my room the day before, I found a small radio sitting on the bed, with a note Apparently my psychiatrist thinks that music has great healing power. I don't know. I haven't listened to music, by taste, totally relaxed, in a long time.

Opening the disc compartment, I realized that a CD had been left there. Claire de Lune by Claude Debussy. I looked at it with indifference. I didn't really know that, but if it had been left there it would be, for sure, with the objective of making me listen.

I pressed the button and the first musical notes played on the piano reached my ears. Oh! It was magnificent. Once again, having time to do these simple things, playing a game, watching the sunset, listening to classical music, was something I hadn't experienced in a while. 

What is the use of living without time? What is the use of living without an objective? Claude would have a objective, composing music. To reach the heart of the listener, would that be his goal? If so, he had won it.

I have no goals. I have no reason to live. But do I have reason to die? Is having no reason to live a reason to die? Maybe. I wanna die? Not really. It would be better not to be born. My existence is lonely, a waste. But it is something. I can hear music, I can see the sunset. Is that a reason to live? To do those things I need time. I don't have time in my life.

If I hadn't tryed to suicide, I wouldn't have time to do all this things. I would still be in my awful job

The music hits a high note, making a shiver run through my body and raising my hair. Claire de Lune... Moonlight, in french. My mind starts picturing a smooth lake, like a mirror, reflecting the moonlight and the stars with extraordinary clarity. That galaxy reflected in the water, endless, infinite. That moon, those stars, that calm lake. All of this gave me a feeling of security. 

I think trying to kill me made me feel differently, like it was the first time that I really lived. Even classical music, even a sunset made me cry with emotion. Is this normal?  
_Am I normal?_


	5. Chapter 5

— Butterflies are so useless.  
— Well, they're pretty.  
— And?

The black haired boy stared at me with interest. We we're walking silently trough the garden, it was full of flower, bringing butterflies with them. As usual, people stared at me, but I guess it's normal. Let them stare.

— Isn't it a good reason to live?  
— What? Being pretty? No... I mean... Think with me, Dr. Tetsurou: butterflies are know for the abysmal differences between the various stages of its development, right?   
— Yeah...  
— In fact, butterflies die when they really turn into butterflies. The butterfly makes us think that we only live with the sole purpose of reaching the maximum exponent of perfection that is possible for us and procreate. Arriving at that stage, the "journey" ends and... goodbye butterfly! It's a worthless life. Whats the point of the butterfly? Have kids? I don't understand.  
— Well, I guess that the metamorphosis and that process of transformacion it's more important than the result itself. Yeah, the butterfly dies in the end. But before it dies, it transforms it self. I don't really know what happens inside the cocoon, but maybe it's that time, that reflecion, that transformacion that matters.

I stopped walking. Having someone to talk like this, having an interesting and inteligent conversation with someone is something that doesn't happen many times.

— Maybe you're right. I guess that it depends on the mentality of the person that is considering it. Some people think that the result is most important.  
— And others give more importance to the process, yes. But a butterfly it's still beautiful, it doesn't really matters whats happens next.  
— Do you think?  
— I do.  
— What I'm doing in this hospital... It may be considered a metamorphosis?  
— In a certain way, I think.  
— Ah... Even if I end up diyng?  
— What?  
— Maybe it's this time, this reflecion and this transformacion that matters, right, doctor?  
— Kenma...

I ended up smiling just to relax him. But actually, it makes sense.

_What matters it's the transformacion._


	6. Chapter 6

15 reasons to live 

1 - Drawing  
2 - Gaming  
3 - Listening to your favorite music once again  
4 - Walk during the night  
5 - See snow   
6 - Having good conversations  
7 - Watching the sunrise and the sunset one more time  
8 - Meet new friends  
9 - Finishing that serie that you love  
10 - Swiming in the pool at night!  
11 - Eat your favorite food  
12 - Finishing that book that you're reading  
13 - Learning something new  
14 - Do a big trip  
15 - Fall in love 

to: Kenma  
from: Dr. Tetsurou

PS: You can call me Kuroo. We're friends now, right?  
___

— What is this, Tetsurou?

Holding a little envelope, I stared at him, with my fingers tapping softly the opening of it, burning in curiosity.

— I made it for you, but... Don't open now. You can open it when you're alone. Read it calmly and think about it.  
— Then leave me alone.  
— Kenma, come on.  
— You can go now.  
— Seriously, you have to learn how to be more patient.  
— Yeah, yeah, of course! 

I started pushing him gently towards the door, with a slight smile on my lips.

— See you later!


	7. Chapter 7

Looking attently at sky, I could antecipate a big storm coming. I was sitted in my bed, a blanket wraped around my shoulders and my knees firmly bent against my chest whis my chin resting in them.

From time to time, I looked at the clock, placed in the little table next to the bed. 07:45 PM... I can't wait to dinner. Kuroo should be coming. The clouds in the sky started getting darker and I looked impatiently to the door.

Soon 8:00 PM rangged in the clock, bringing with them the first thunder and a shiver ran through my body.

— Kuroo... where are you? — I mumbled looking up at the clouds.

I closed my eyes, I felt my hands trembling against each other.

— Kenma?

I raised my head quickly, gazing to him. Walking quickly, he placed the dinner tray in a table and sat next to me.

— Kenma, are you okay?  
— H-hey...  
— What's happening?  
— The... St-storm... — slowly, I turned my eyes to him, breathing irregularly. A light tore through the sky, followed by the thunderclap, making me start to shake.  
— Relax, it's just a summer storm... — he moved a little to get closer to me, putting a hand on my shoulder  
— That's easy to say!  
— Kenma... I'm here, with you.

Dealing with shortness of breath, I nodded, my eyes fixed on the dark sky and my hands feeling the air looking for his. When I felt the warm of his hand in mine I felt another shiver, I grabbed it, with four cold fingers touching its palm, feeling his in mine too.

— I don't... D-deal well. With sto-storms.  
— You're freezing, Kenma.  
— Ah... Yeah. I don't f-find my sweatshirt.

Slowly, he released his hand from mine, starting to take his red sweatshirt afterwards. 

— Kuroo... You don't have to...

He stopped, with one arm still in the sleave.

— You called me Kuroo.  
— I... Yeah? Is that a problem? I t-thought that you said that... We're... friends now right?  
— Of course we are! I was just surprised...

He taked off the sweater and gave it to me, making me wear it, though it was more than two sises bigger than mine. I putted both hands in the large pocket, still shrunk, trying to conserve some body heat. 

— Kenma... It's an h-hug okay?  
— I... — I nodded to him, staying in the same position. He wraped his arms around me gently, I could notice some hesitancy in his behavior, like if I was a porcelane vase and he was affraid of breaking me in peaces.  
— Kuroo...  
— I'm here. It's okay.

I holded one of his and with both of mine, still trembling, but trying to seem more confident. The thick drops of rain hitting the windowpane made an incredibly loud noise, which made my head hurt and, undoubtedly, brought tears to my eyes. Why? I managed to overcome so many thunderstorms alone, hidden under the blankets, covering my ears with my hands and trying to ignore the noise, singing a soft melody that my mother sang to me. Why? Why am I so fragile? I hate this. I hate how they treat me like a sick person, how I can no longer wear my clothes, I can no longer eat without someone watching the knives, I can no longer have a normal life. I hate this.

Slowly, I got more and more into the sweatshirt. I don't want to talk to anyone, see anyone. 

_— Kenma..._

_Kuroo's voice reached my ears muffled, as if under water, the sound became clearer, as well as what I saw, I blinked my eyes, letting some tears stuck in my lashes fall, I could read Kuroo's concern in his eyes._

_— I'm fine, Kuroo. I'm... Here._

_I tightened my hands in his, normalizing my breathing and relaxing in his arms._

_— Kuroo...  
— Yeah?  
— Well, I... When I... I was younger, my father drank. A lot. And... On stormy days, he le-left the house to go to the bar, because he thought we wouldn't hear the door, due the thunders. Me and my siblings, I mean. My mother passed away by that time. So... That's why- That's why I don't deal great with storms.  
— Kenma, I...  
— I'm sorry.  
— What?  
— It was stupid of me. Tell you this. It's not like you want to know ...  
— No, Kenma... Thank you. For sharing. And of course I want to know. We're friends, right?  
— Yeah... We're friends._

_He smiled at me, his eyes bright with tears. Thank you, Kuroo. You heard me. And you understood._


	8. Chapter 8

— Do you play any sports?

I looked at him, he looked the white clouds in the blue sky. There was no sign of the storm the night before, apart from the dark circles around my eyes. 

— I used to, in high school... But I stopped. I had no time, and I wasn't that good...  
— Really? What did you played?   
— Volleyball.

He opened his eyes, his aura radiated energy, we could see his happyness trought his eyes, his smile, every single thing in him.

— Me too! I was a spiker AND the team capitain! — he exuded pride in those words, I let a smile leave my lips, seeing all that energy. He reminded me of a friend that I had on another team when I used to play. — You?  
— Setter.   
— Oh my God! We have to play one of this days!  
— But there is no gym here...  
— We can go out, I can ask for a discharge for you, I keep you under eye and we play togheter!  
— Well... If so, I guess that it's okay.   
— Ha! Great!

I started by accelerating the pace, making him take longer steps. I could feel his joy from afar, his smile brought back memories of the night before. "I'm here." Since when? Since when did he know that I like salty food, that I need more blankets to sleep on than the ones provided by the hospital,that I like to play, music, sunset, that I smile as an apologie? Since when did he become so close? 

— Kuroo...  
— Yeah?  
— You're so loud.  
— Well, thank you very much.


	9. Chapter 9

— Kenma, are you ready?  
— Come in!

He opened the door slowly. He finally got a discharge for me and we went to a pavilion nearby to play volleyball.

— Do you think you're gonna need the coat?  
— It's still April, it can rain...  
— Okay then.  
— It's the first time that I see you whitout your uniform, Kenma.  
— I can say the same.

I looked at my red tracksuit pants from my old club. They had a hole in one knee that had been increasing in use. Kuroo turned his head slightly, reading the big white letters on it.

— Nekoma?  
— Yeah...  
— It fits you.  
— What?  
— Oh, nothing.

His cheeks turned pink and I smiled slightly embarrassed. What did he mean by that? 

— Let's go?  
— Of course!

He kept his hands in the big pockets of his tracksuit pants, walking with long, but slow steps, while I accelerated a little to get my pace with his.

— What did they feed you as a child? Jeez!  
— I think I'm naturally tall, and you're naturally dwarf.  
— I'll kick you.

He laughed.   
His laughter was like drops of crystal clear water, it souded so pure, so simple, and yet so genuine. How do you do that? How can you live like that? Always laughting, always happy, always walking as if on a cloud, spreading your joy to the others. Isn't it tiring? Isn't it unfair? Why? Why do you live like this? 

— Kuroo...  
— Yeah?

His smile again.  
Don't.  
Don't smile at me so bright.

— Why... Why are you my friend? Why do you even mind with me?  
— Why?...

He looked confused. He stared at the sky during some time and then stared at me, his bright smile on his face.

— Maybe... Because I like you.

I saw his lips moving in slow motion. "I like you"... Don't. Don't smile at me so bright. Cherry blossoms touched the ground, falling around us. Don't make me fall for you.

— D-dumbass.

I started walking faster, getting away from him. Dumbass. Tears started to leave my eyes, leaving a warm trail on my cold face. Don't make me fall for you. 

His laught, his smile, his gentle hand holding mine and his arms around me. Everything. Every single thing, every single gesture. Every moment spent with you. They resonate in my head. Get off my head. I'm only gonna hurt you.

Don't smile at me so bright.  
Don't make me fall for you. 

_Too late._


	10. Chapter 10

_"What's your dream, Kenma?"_

— Kenma! 

__"But a butterfly it's still beautiful, it doesn't really matters whats happens next."_ _

— Wait! I'm sorry! 

___"Kenma... I'm here, with you."_ _ _

___— Kenma!_ _ _

__

__

___Stop. Get off my head! Why...?_ _ _

____"Maybe... because I like you"_ _ _ _

____I stopped running. I turned on my heels looking up into his eyes, through mine, where tears were still falling._ _ _ _

____— Kuroo.  
— Kenma...  
— That's mean. — I let out a sad little laugh. — Why don't you get out of my head? I spend the whole day waiting for you, wandering in the corridors to find you.I look forward to every moment spent with you with the hope that they will only grow. My life is only you, you and you, now. I'm not sure of my feelings... And you tell me that... What am I supposed to answer? I don't know what to tell you, Kuroo  
— I don't need an answer. Not now. Maybe never. I just want you to know... That I'm here for you, for one reason or another. Because I like you. I really do. You make my days brighter, everytime I'm with you, you make me forget that I'm tired of working in that place, that I'm exhauted, that I don't sleep. Because you are you. And that's enough.  
— Kuroo...  
— You don't need to say anything.  
— I won't._ _ _ _

____I took a step forward, pulling him gently by the sweatshirt.On tiptoes, my lips met his, kissing him gently. I felt the warmth of his lips on mine, my heart skipped a beat, like a butterfly fluttering wildly. I could feel his hands shaking a little, resting on my waist, a lock of his hair scraping on my cheek, the cherry petals falling on us with every gust of wind. I moved away from him, opening my eyes slowly. My heels landed lightly on the floor, slowly taking in what had happened._ _ _ _

____— Kenma...  
— Shhh. Let's play volleyball, you giant._ _ _ _

____I grabbed his hand, walking towards the pavilion. I felt his gaze on my back. I sensed his smile._ _ _ _

_____Don't._ _Don't stop smiling at me so bright._ _ _ _ _


	11. Chapter 11

— To me!

He jumped high, matching another perfect paralel. 

— Another one!  
— Kuroo... I'm tired.

Massaging my scarred wrists, I saw his shoulders sag, he suddenly became calm. With three long strides, he came in front of me, took my hand away from my wrist and took the other, gently holding them. He massaged a specific point on my hand, calming me down. 

— When you're ready to play again... You just have to warn.   
— Thank you... 

Suddenly, I felt tears come to my eyes. Looking down, the tears fell on our hands. I felt confused. Why was I crying, if I was happy? Finally, I was somewhere outside that hospital and couldn't be more radiant. But the truth is, if I never went there, I wouldn't have met Kuroo. I believe that everything happens for a reason. And everything I went through... Was it to meet you? I felt his arms around my shoulders, I passed mine around his torso, barely getting my hands to touch. My tears were wetting his t-shirt, leaving dark stains. Slowly, the crying stopped, I let go of my arms, hanging them from the sides of my body and moved away from him a little. 

— I'm sorry.  
— Don't be...   
— Let's play?  
— Sure.

I grabbed the ball, I was getting ready to throw it when I heard voices outside the pavilion. I released it instinctively, walking quickly towards Kuroo, I positioned myself behind him, grabbing his shirt, watching the entrance.

— Kenma... It's everything al-  
— Kenma!

A loud, happy voice reached my ears from the entrance of the pavilion. Turning my gaze, I saw an orange haired boy, followed by a taller one, with black hair.

— S-shōyō... Kageyama...  
— Hi, Kenma... We're both Kageyama now, you'll have to call me Tobio.

Shōyō runned to us, turning is head slightly with curiosity. Then, he suddenly looked sad.

— You didn't came to our wedding... I haven't seen you in months, you don't answer to my texts nor calls. I've been worried with you, Kenma...  
— Shōyō, I...

I grabbed the back of Kuroo shirt harder, looking to the floor. He turned himself a bit, grabbing gently my hand, looking inside my eyes, reading my mind.

— And who are you? How have you met Kenma?  
— I'm Kuroo Tetsurou, I-  
— He's a friend of a friend, we met in a party.  
— I'm Shōyō Hinata Kageyama! I used to play volleyball against Kenma! I miss the battle of the dump...  
— The what?  
— Nekoma against Karasuno. The cats against the crows! I used to play with Tobio in high school.  
— Now we're married.  
— We were an amazing match. Our quick atack is crazy!

Kuroo smiled at them politely, but I could still notice his apreencion. I let go his shirt and holded his hand. 

— Shōyō, can you give us a moment?  
— Sure! But we can play after?  
— Yeah, we can. Kuroo's a spiker too.

Kuroo looked at Shōyō, with the face of someone that suddenly realized something incredible.

— You're... A spiker? I tought that the tall one was the spiker-  
— I can be short, but I can jump!

Shōyō looked angry at Kuroo. I remember that he was often laughed of because of his height, but he always proved that he was an amazing player, despite his height.

— Sho...  
— Ah yes! You two wanna talk... 

I watched him as he went to Kageyama bouncing, giving him a kiss, his ring reflected in the sun coming through the dusty windows making me feel guilty for missing such an important event. I turned to Kuroo. I saw his concern in his eyes.

— Kuroo... I've known them for a long...  
— They don't know what happened to you?  
— No... We haven't talk since high school.  
— Are you okay?

I stopped for a while to think, then looked into his eyes smiling slightly. I pulled him in for a soft kiss.

— I'm okay... You're here.


	12. Chapter 12

— BOOM!

Hinata landed on the floor after a quick atack. I sat with my hands on the floor behind my back, arching them tiredly.

— It's getting dark. — Kuroo looked worried at the window, then croutched next to me, whispering. — We should get back, Kenma...  
— We still have time to an ice cream?  
— I guess so. Maybe your friends wanna come along?

I looked at Shōyō, happily jumping next to Kageyama, that was drinking water. I could hear their voices from afar, they sounded so similar to what they were, almost 8 years ago... "Did you see this?" "Calm yourself, boke!" "Stop calling me that!" "Boke! Hinata, boke!" They both laughed. Looks like everyone's been running all this years, and I'm the only one that stays in the same place. I got up, walking to them. 

— Hey, do you wanna go get ice cream?  
— Yes! Let's go!

Shōyō looked as happy and excited as ever, putting his sweatshirt on. 

— Yes, we can go, Kuroo.  
— Okay... As soon as we don't take too long...

The four of us got out, locking the door behind. A gust of wind hit us, making me shiver. The orange sky had few clouds, but the strong wind, combined with the hours, made the weather cold. Kuroo looked at me with a look of concern.

— I told you to bring the coat, Kenma, you're going to die of cold  
— I've noticed that, thank you very much.  
— Here... — He took off his coat, holding it out to me.  
— I like your sweatshirt better.

He laughed, took off his sweatshirt and pulled his coat over his t-shirt. I took the red sweatshirt that I had worn before and put it on. It was almost on my knees, while the sleeves covered my hands. Kuroo hesitated a little and ended up putting an arm around my shoulder, I smiled sheepishly, feeling my ears go red.

— Am I feeling something here? 

Hinata smirked, looking at us curiously, Kageyama pulled him by the arm, putting himself where he was, keeping him away from us.

— Don't bother them, honey.

We walked to a nearby ice cream parlor. I walked close to Kuroo, with quick steps. Hinata hopped on Kageyama's side, balancing the two scoops of chocolate ice cream in a cone. I was pecking my mint chocolate ice cream, sharing it with Kuroo and also eating his vanilla. Walking on the waterfront, parallel to the sea, I could feel the sea breeze, bringing the smell of the ocean. I remembered my childhood, the summer holidays spent on the beach, the sand castles, the crab hunting. Smiling, I intertwined my fingers with Kuroo's, which hung from my shoulder, looking to the side as I walked, looking at the sun reflected in the waves.


	13. Chapter 13

I woke up slowly, with the sun gently passing through my bedroom window, with half-closed eyes I looked around. I was still dressed in Kuroo's red sweatshirt.

My shoes had been carefully placed on the side of my bed, but not by me. I went over my memories of last night in my mind, carefully, trying to fix all the small details. The smell of the sea infiltrated Kuroo's black hair as he piggybacked me to the hospital, his soft lips warm on mine, the cherry petals that got stuck in the hood of the wide sweatshirt and were now spread across my bed.

"Maybe... because I like you"

Smiling, I got up, heading for the bathroom next to the bedroom. I showered and put on the hospital "uniform". Looking at myself in the mirror, I ended up putting Kuroo's sweatshirt over it. 

Fastening my hair with hairpins, I left the room for the empty hall. It was 9 am. Sunday. The movement was reduced, since it was the day when the families of the patients could visit them, and many of them were taking a walk, meeting new places. The outside. Arriving at the cafeteria, I saw only a few nurses having breakfast, and some patients who wouldn't have visitors that day, or had no one to visit them, like me. 

I looked around. I ended up deciding to sit at an empty table, where I could eat without being disturbed. I served myself with fruit and pancakes and started eating. 

— Hey dwarf.

Kuroo sitted in front of me, holding an yogurt. 

— Hey.  
— Is that my sweatshirt?  
— Yeah.  
— What if you give it back?   
— What if I don't?  
— Are we gonna become one of those couples who are always arguing?

I left a forkful of pancake halfway to my mouth, standing in the air, a trickle of honey dripping onto the plate. I looked at him for a long time and smiled looking into his eyes.

— Are we gonna become a couple?  
— Kenma...  
— I'm just kidding.  
— No, Kenna, seriously. I wanna be with you.   
— And I wanna be with you, Kuroo.  
— Do we have that established?  
— Of course.  
— And do you realize that if there weren't so many of my colleagues here, I would be kissing you?  
— Of course. You can't resist me in any way.  
— Haha, very funny.  
— I am, right?  
— Sure.

He smiled fondly, got up and went around the table, patting my head.

— I have to go to work.  
— Have fun.

I saw him walk away, smiling as I hadn't done in a while. He likes me. I like him. We're together.


	14. Chapter 14

— Kuroo...  
— Hm?

He looked at me from above, a blue sky stretching in the background, some clouds splashing white, the sun shone, reflecting on his eyes. He smiled brilliantly, dazzling me with his beauty, his lightness, despite his stature, he seemed to fit in that background like a bird ready to fly, like a cat that appeared quietly and filled my life with color.

— If you had the opportunity to make a big trip, where would you go?

He put on a thoughtful expression, looking at me. Suddenly, his body was covered by a wave of excitement and he looked at the sky, pointing to the empty space, vaguely between the Universe. 

— To space!  
— To... Space?

I let a small laugh escape my smiling lips. I looked with interest at his back, his spiked finger, his posture and the presence of a child who dreamed of being an astronaut.

— Yeah! From space we see the Earth as a whole, very clearly, if the ancients had gone into space, they discovered that the Earth is not flat, they would discover planets, worlds, a whole tide of unexplored possibilities! 

I looked at the sky with him, my legs crossed like a child, the gleam in the eye of someone who visualized a whole new perspective.

— Would you like to see the stars, Kuroo?  
— I don't need to.  
— What do you mean?  
— The brightest and most important star of all is on Earth, with me.

He looked at me, with a smile on his lips, a blue sky stretching in the background, the warm breeze full of color, that color that he brought me, quietly, unexpectedly, like a lost cat who still showed me the way.

— You're my star, Kenma.


	15. Chapter 15

I took out my cell phone, which was ringing incessantly, seeing various messages on the screen.

Shōyō.

I putted the phone down again on the nightstand, looking at the clear sky, lit by a radiant sun. I felt the sun touch his lazy eyelids, the heat numbed my muscles as I was carried into that kind of sleepy trance. "Is everything okay? You should come with me and Tobio somewhere, you can bring Kuroo, let's have fun!" Shōyō. That endless energy, he hadn't changed at all.

I checked the phone again. The ringing didn't stopped. 

"Kenma, stop ignoring me, that's ridiculous"

"I'm getting tired of playing cat and mouse with you"

"I'm going to see you"

What did he meant by that? He had no way to know where to find me. I pictured him going to knock to my house, finding the apartment half abandonned.

I let myself stretch, warmed by the sun until I fell asleep slowly, with the usual laziness of a night spent playing and a good lunch, a rare thing. I was awakened by a knock on the door, which entered my sleep like a pneumatic hammer. With a grunt, I got up from the bed and opened the door a crack, finding Kuroo looking at me with a small smile, shadowed with embarrassment.

— Come with me, you have a visit waiting for you...   
— I just woke up.  
— Kenma, come on.

With a low growl, I put on my shoes and followed him through the cold, naked corridors. Arriving at the living room, I found Shōyō sitting at a table, looking around with a mixture of curiosity and sadness. I looked at Kuroo, surprised, walking with insecure steps to sit in front of Hinata.

— Kenma. Why didn't you tell me?  
— There was nothing to tell.  
— What was going on with you ... I could have helped you, we could have gotten over it!  
— Sho... Don't you understand? People don't help. They just make it worse, then stop trying, just stop! 

Shōyō looked at me with an air of slight incredulity, his look reflected a sadness, which was turning to anger, but, above all, it showed resentment.

— I thought we were friends! I thought you trusted me, Kenma!  
— And I trust! But you can't solve everything, Shōyō! You cannot live in your bubble of happiness and expect other people to resign themselves to this and influence you forever! It doesn't work. This is not how the world works! As much as I trust you... I can't... There are things you don't understand.  
— I understand, Kenma! I understand perfectly. But you didn't even try to explain it to me! Kuroo explained to me, that's why I'm here now. I want to help you!

I saw his eyes fill with tears, I turned to Kuroo, enraged. At that moment, I didn't think about the other people in the room, I didn't think about Shōyō, I just thought about the betrayal I felt. Kuroo had gone to talk to Shōyō about me, behind my back, I couldn't believe it.

— Why? Why are you doing this?

He looked hurt at me with disbelief. His tone turned out to be much more rude and aggressive than what he expected, and wanted, surprising me.

— Because I love you! I love you so much, don't you see? I want you to live a good life, with no regrets, I want you to be happy, to have friends, to enjoy the good things in life! I love you, Kenma! You can't wait for me to see you go down and leave everything good and stand still. 

I looked at him in shock. He was crying. Thick tears fell down his face, leaving his eyes red. It was the first time I had seen him cry. And it was the first time that I heard those words from someone. "I love you". Oh! The unimaginable lack that those words have always made in my life, that lack that consumed me from day to day. I felt my own eyes fill with tears, which were running copiously down my face.

— You- You love me?  
— Yes. Yes, Kenma, I love you. With every inch of my body, I love you.   
— I... I love you too, Kuroo.


	16. Chapter 16

— I'm sorry, Sho... I should have trusted you, I should have let you help me. I think I forgot that you grew up too. In fact, when I saw you with Kageyama, I felt that, suddenly, you had grown up. Grown up a lot more than me. It was as if I saw everyone around me running and changing and only I was stopped in time.  
— Kenma... Just promise me that you won't hide things like that from me again...  
— I promise.  
— Good... I'll be back to visit you as soon as I can. And I bring Tobio, and Natsu.  
— Sure!

I saw him walk away on the way towards a black car, there was not a breeze blowing, and it was scorching heat, yet he walked lightly, as if he feared nothing. He radiated pure happiness.


	17. Chapter 17

— The director of the hospital told me that there is a possibility that you could live a normal life in the early fall. As normal as possible.   
— What...?  
— Yes. He realized that we were close and called me to tell me that if you continued to come here at least once a week for appointments you could go back to your normal life.

I looked at Kuroo in amazement. A normal life... But did a normal life mean going back to that cruel job, constant fatigue, time reduced to zero?

— I don't think I want a normal life, Kuroo.  
— What do you mean?  
— To go back to that horrible job, to the rented studio, to a life without time...  
— But... You don't have to go back to that life. You can build a life from scratch, a new, happier life.  
— How? You say it like it's easy... I need money to pay for meals, a roof to sleep in every night!  
— I can give you that.  
— What?  
— You can live in my home. If you want to, of course. We can find a good job for you, something that gives you a way to live by yourself.  
— I... Would you do that for me?  
— Of course! 

With a look of pure thanks, I hugged him with affection, his perfume filled my head with memories, made me imagine scenes full of color, pictures painted with a whole palette of emotions.

— Kuroo... Thank you. Thank you so much.  
— You're welcome.

His laughter filled my ears, making my heart flutter.

— I love you, Kuroo.  
— What?  
— I love you.  
— All of sudden?  
— I love you. I could spend the whole day, the whole life saying this to you.  
— Kenma... I love you, too. I love you so much.

Thank you. I want to spend my life with you. Like a cat that appears silently, you filled my life with color. You made me dream again. Thank you. You made me want to become a better person, you gave me a reason to live. I love you. My whole life wouldn't come to tell you how much. 

I know I will be able to overcome the next thunderstorm, I will play volleyball again, I will live again. I suffered my metamorphosis. Just like you said. "I don't know what happens inside the cocoon, but maybe it's that time, that reflecion, that transformacion that matters." Yes. You were my cocoon. You have transformed me, improved me in so many ways.

The day we met, you asked me: "What's your dream, Kenma?". I fulfilled my dream. I'm happy. 

_With you._


End file.
